Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 5341 times)

joefan43

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #30 on: May 18, 2013, 05:53:40 PM »
Loved the last one  :joke:

jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: June 06, 2013, 11:44:06 PM »
Gorilla Chase!
There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape [dimples] and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!” 



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Choice this personally to show the Pink Ribbon to symbolized me as a cancer survivor!

Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: June 07, 2013, 12:14:20 AM »
 :lol: :lol:



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judetheobscure

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: June 13, 2013, 09:41:18 PM »
Bad Joke Cat ‏@BadJokeCat 13m
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Jaiden

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: June 14, 2013, 12:38:11 AM »
Haha Jude that had me going  :rofl3:

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judetheobscure

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: June 16, 2013, 01:23:56 PM »
Andrew Bloch ‏@AndrewBloch 1h
An unfortunate moment while filming @adamboultonSKY at the Titanic museum pic.twitter.com/0z4Pr31V5k via @amberelliottsky
 Retweeted by @Celebagent100



joefan43

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: June 16, 2013, 02:13:10 PM »
I just noticed what it said  :rofl3:

jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: July 10, 2013, 01:08:52 AM »
Well since I am in here, you know I like jokes to share: hoped you like this one:

Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
 



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Choice this personally to show the Pink Ribbon to symbolized me as a cancer survivor!

blackenroses

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #38 on: October 22, 2013, 03:20:35 PM »
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showpost.php?p=69312797&postcount=1

Create Your Ultimate X Factor Sob Story Audition

Quote from: LemonadeMouth
Before the performance there is a VT package of a male contestant speaking about their love for music and their struggles in life due to an issue.

Louis: Hello sir what is your name?

Contestant: My name is Dickson Small.

Gary: So Dickson I take it you like to sing?

Contestant: Yes, singing is my passion it is the one thing that is always there for me through hard times.

Sharon: Dickson tell us something about yourself which makes you stand out?

Contestant: Well all my life I have had had issues and been bullied. The reason I have been bullied is because..........*starts sobbing*............ my penis is so small.... *contestant starts crying*

Nicole: Oh baby. *walks up and gives contestant a hug*

The other judges look concerned and teary

Gary: What are you going to sing for us today?

Contestant: I am going to be singing All Small Thing's by Blink 182 but I am singing my own slowed down version of the song.

Gary: Okay best of luck.

Contestant delivers an emotion performance of All Small Thing's and gets rave reviews from the judges.

Louis: Dickson that was a great audition I believe we have found ourselves a pop star and you could have a great recording career ahead of you have the full package.

Sharon: That was very brave of you to tell us your story and sing your heart out like that well done darling that was fabulous.

Gary: What an emotional audition you came in here today and killed it best audition of the day by far

Nicole: Dickson baby that performance was just beautiful you are an inspiration too us ALL you may not have the full package down there sweetie but you have bigger BALLS than anyone I have ever met.

Gary: So we are going to vote starting with Nicole

Leona Lewis Foot Prints in the sand starts playing in the background

Nicole: Dickson my little sausage it's a BIG yes from me.

Sharon: It's a even bigger yes from me darling.

Gary: That was the perperformance of the season mate it's an almighty yes from me.

Louis: Dickson size doesn't matter it's is a huge yes from me.

*Footprint in the sand chorus*
I PROMISE YOU!!!!! I'M ALWAYS THERE!!!!!! ♩♪♫♬

Contestant: Thank you so much *sobbing*

Leaves room talks to Dermot.

Dermot: How do you feel mate you got two huge yeses

Contestant: This is the best day of my life I'm never going let anyone tell me that size matters ever again.

Brilliant!  :-) :-)

Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: October 22, 2013, 05:19:33 PM »
hahahaha  :rofl2: :rofl3: BR  --- so true ------  especially  all the  advice from  the judges  --- soooooooo dejevu  from them all  hahaha :rofl2: :rofl3: :lol:



Credit to Mihi for my avatar and sig. ;)

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Tacom

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: October 22, 2013, 05:53:33 PM »
 :-)

jadesharp1992

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: December 08, 2013, 05:47:52 PM »
oh dear, all the bad christmas cracker jokes will be starting soon!

Joe is such an inspiration to me, and I am so proud to be a fan of his! Supporting him always! :)

carisma

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: December 08, 2013, 05:49:46 PM »
How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put them in water - if it sinks it is a girl ant ....





if it floats it is boy ant  (buoyant)   :haha:










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judetheobscure

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: December 08, 2013, 05:52:42 PM »
That's definitely a Christmas cracker joke  :-)

jadesharp1992

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: December 08, 2013, 06:06:29 PM »
yep, definitely! shame jess is so busy at college, she's always got loads of jokes, she'd definitely be posting in here!

Joe is such an inspiration to me, and I am so proud to be a fan of his! Supporting him always! :)