Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 5317 times)

jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #15 on: May 08, 2013, 11:54:54 PM »
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug. 



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judetheobscure

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2013, 12:42:50 AM »
You like Windows about as much as I like Apple  :rofl2:

joefan43

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #17 on: May 09, 2013, 10:44:01 AM »
Good jokes Viv  :joke: Keep them coming

jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2013, 03:10:07 AM »
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 



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Ping - Annie L

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2013, 11:25:16 AM »
 :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2:

well it didn't say they were nice/rich men.... :)

Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2013, 03:28:13 PM »
haaahahhah :haha: shows women are hard to please  then  :haha: the short and handsome will please the joe nuts  tho



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jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2013, 12:41:11 AM »
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
 



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Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2013, 01:08:01 AM »
haaahahahh :lol:



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jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: May 13, 2013, 02:22:48 AM »
My Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not." 



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jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2013, 01:55:13 AM »
Sorry guys, been busy for my granddaughter 7th birthdya this weekend :wink:

Here is a joke, hoped you guys like this one::

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." 



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Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2013, 01:05:33 PM »
hahahaha :haha:



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jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: May 17, 2013, 01:59:42 AM »
Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?" 



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Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: May 17, 2013, 01:19:22 PM »
hahaha :haha:



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jmalltheway

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: May 18, 2013, 01:13:29 AM »
I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a [dimples]!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
 



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Trudy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #29 on: May 18, 2013, 01:54:29 AM »
hahaha :lol:



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